DECEMBER 21st, 10:11 AM ; Good MORNING everybody, I slept actually pretty well today lol.
last night was nice, I was on call with my girlfriend for a while until i went to bed. i just scrolled a bunch of forums while screensharing...i felt like my brother broh. other than that life has been ok, im thinking about next semester for school currently. Im honestly, kind of happy? im not scared, which is good im pretty sure. most of my classes have teachers ive already had and im honestly very happy that i have people im familiar with other than new retarded teachers.
I think that my teachers will honestly forget about me, im not as much as an impact on their life as they are for me. which is something ive come to terms with since forever ago. but it just sucks that im not really viewed as someone that important (which is something that happens a lot in my life i fucking guess)
iiiidk, im ready to get out of school, i have to retake my sat tests since my score was so incredibly ass god im not cut out for tests, i never am, I HATE TESTS!!!! regardless though, im very ready to get out of highschool... I hate everybody here, they all have the same personality somehow lololl
ok enough about school, as of right now, four days until christmas! wow. trying to reflect on my year but if im being honest im unable to really do that. A lot of stuff has happened though, which im sure of. things always happen every year and thats how life works. which is dumb, id rather be doing nothing i cant lie...less stress on myself. dude look at this stupid fucking image my brother sent me Are you serious bro

stupid fucking chicken legs bro im crine

there are tears in my eyes right now dude this is horrible..oh my god bro my keyboard is really starting to piss me off, the letters keep getting stuck somehow. theres nothing underneath the keys, ive checked SO MANY TIMES, i think i might need to recheck soon because its really starting to get on my nerves. most of my electronics are so shit dude, i dont get it.... Well. I understand my ipad being shitty cos its a 6th gen iirc, so its bound to suck total dick. plus it probably has a few viruses on it from when i was little. shakes my head.

Anyways, wrapping up... im very tired, infected sending me cute kevin art ohh wipes a tear from my eye, ill report back around christmas with all the little stuff ive gotten and whatnot.

ciao

DECEMBER 26th, 1:25 PM ; good afternoon all : D im a little late to when i said i was gonna make an update.... BUT! a lot has happened in my little world
yesterday i got a lot of things that im very happy with, a new ipad.. record player.. and four more hail the sun vinyls !! IM SO HAPPY about the vinyls. I am technically almost done, i need about four or five more then it is complete. I love hail the suns so bad, those who dont know me have No idea how much i love this freaking band dude. But ! i had a wonderful christmas, im very happy with what ive gotten. Im just now coming down from the holiday facade a bit though, stress is coming back asap i cannot catch a break! lole

ive been sorta going with the flow recently, thinking aswell about most of my family and my past friends that i dont talk to...like haha wow. i truly do not talk to anybody, i was thinking about it a couple days ago with lotty and i was just.. reflecting. I think id do a lot better in life if i were extroverted, i feel really jealous that my friends arent like me, or past friends rather. they dont understand as much how struggling it is to talk to most of anyone outside of their social circle, i feel like if they had a minor glimpse into my life and how much i think about the dumbest bullshit ever they wouldnt like it very much..... idk its not like a oh if they were me theyd hate being me and theyd regret leaving me HAHA no its not like that at all! its more like, wow. what have i done wrong to get to this point in life. and yeah, im sure theres a lot to factor in, but id rather make things right than just.. be a shitty person, i wanna be different and change, other parts of me do not though. they make amends faster and do not care about who the person is, i want to move on

on another note, i made a lot of hail the sun stamps recently : J i plan on making more soon…. the fixation is getting worse everybody. puts my hand on the window. donovan melero give me 500 dollars please bro please. Pleaaaseeee…. but the stamps will be in the little stamp area.. lalaa, i also changed the layout a little bit on how i do blogs, i think it just makes things easier for me.
thinking though, i really wanna go back to another concert when theyre in town. i keep rewatching the videos i took, i had so much fun… I wanna make a little corner for all my hail the sun stuff, little donny, little john, little shane, little aric… ohh wipes a tear. little cardboard friends. my premium ran out recently for spotify though, im dying. help
i am excited for the week to come though! ill be playin games with my brother and my girlfriend for most of it, jakson got a vr for christmas and is kindly sharing with me. so me and infected r gonna play while jakson is gone for the week at his dads. my head hurts a little bit, i kind of want to take a nap…shivers a bit.


thats about it i believe, or atleast what i can think of right Now. haha
ciao

jan 8, 11:08 AM
hey everyone, late happy new years to all.
a lot has happened within these few days, a little bit too much i cant lie... ive been struggling a bit haha. i feel terrible constantly, terrible and tired. every day atleast once, i have thought about past shit that i have long forgotten/its irrelevant to me. thaaank you. the mind is a lovely thing, isnt it not haha
i feel vulnerable and weak again nd it feels like i am going backwards, im turning 18 this year but. it feels like im going backwards, lole.. i will eventually grow out of it *eventually* just give me time
other than that i feel like this year is going to be so slow, ive been dreading most of my classes due to them just being Boring. i sit there finish stuff early then either draw or play solitaire until we leave. sounds amazing right. shrug
yesterday was probably the worst haaa I think that everyone in my house is fucking dumb, theyre all dumb. Leave me alone dude I have it handled its handled. Everyone is stupid. including me. i think im getting addicted to cigarettes hahaha i dont really care right. now Its not affecting me it was bound to happen anyways shrug.shrug shrug shrug. i feel like a lot of these things are just not really the biggest issue i have right now but yknow whatever. im talking about a nothing burger right now. sorry nothing is really of any particular topic and sorry things arent really in order or in a good flow i am an actual husk of myself i am so depressed its getting to a point, i am considering dropping everyone againn itll be another situation like with seven Thumbs up! sorryyy im gonna rip my eyes out
im thinking about percy, i wanna write for again him soon. i feel insecure about doing anything for my characters, its silly. its probably why times still isnt fleshed out. its probably why everything is so scattered, i am but an insecure guy. i have an appointment today next class, i gotta show her some art. i fear the worst always, i gotta watch What I say oops hahah i was thinking about going into how attraction/what i am into is kind of ruining my view of literally everything but i think ill go into that next time i update this.. thinking face. we'll see. i have shit to do i am *Busy* im a busy guy yknow lol whatever

cya



hello everyone, the time is 4:43. its january 14th

the more i think about things the more i feel terrible, its almost like im stuck in a loop where im forced to rewatch my life over and over and think of all the different ways i couldve been a better person or even just overall more normal presenting. it kills me. it *eats* at me. i hate it.
ive grown so tired of just. everything. the routine of it all, i can hardly imagine what the future is anymore. everything about me feels hollow and bad. i never expected myself to live this long and i hate it. i hate everything about living its so. h
it makes me think back home i felt the same way i felt isolated I was alone, running away from other to focus on pointless studies, ignoring everything until it comes crashing down on me. i hate it. i despise it so much. the constant gave me a purpose almost haha..idont know. it gives me a headache. Im exhausted of the thought of it all, it being the continuation of my own life. i guess it would make me suicidal in some regard, but i just cant ever bring myself to do anything.
cant die now either, plans. plans. yknow.


so i sit. and think. and its just a cycle,
i want to have a life and have purpose but everything just seems so empty and lifeless, nobody around me seems like theyre actual people to me most of the time.. like.. theyre just there
i cant really register the concept of pain towards anyone or anything outwardly most of the time, its like i am the only one who can feel it I guess? It can be a bit narcissistic if you put it that way, but i am by no means a narcissist
i just feel broken, is this really what i was reborn into being? just to sit in this useless body surrounded by useless voices and useless thoughts
its useless really, do you see, its all useless
i am frequently angry at this subject i think about it a lot

its embarrassing, i envy those who can just make friends on a whim.. i envy everyone who can just walk up to somebody and. strike up a conversation
i envy it and i wish i could do that, its so hard. all of the people in my life have come up to me and just.. decided to stick around me for some odd reason
i bring nothing to the table most of the time anyways, i dont understand and i think i never will in the end though, i feel as if im almost like a trial friend, or something ive always been replaced in the end Somehow, someway, in some form. it always happens in my life. it’s the only thing that is consistent and it eats at me. if i were to not wake up tomorrow or even disappear for a bit, i think. only. really two people would notice. while..i am thankful. ijust. wish i had more. i used to have so many friends, so many
i envy my brothers in this regard too, i wish i could have the ability to just meet whoever and fuck around, enjoy life.. its. childish i dont know. i feel small i feel angry


scratches. my little face. i just wish that i didnt make the retarded choices ive made in the past, things would be different and id. be a lot happier probably i would kill to go back home though, it eats at me everyday, i wonder if they think of me still. if not, probably something happened causing for me to be replaced by a clone almost..iii dont know. its charlie.yknow. well. most probably dont know. but, its fun to pretend that you do

i dunno. this is what i got tonight, just a lot of a useless word salad of feelings
bye